Jesus, Why Is Everyone Trying to Save Me?
I need Jesus.
I feel that deeply. There is no hope in this world without knowing there is an infinite power larger than my own.
I did the classic “fall to your knees surrender” years ago after a life half-lived, believing that I wasn’t worth saving.
For years, I have fought hard to believe that I am loveable and someone worth more than a cheap romp in the sheets. I have tried to make myself feel like enough with the right clothes and cars, but inherently I have felt unworthy, shame-filled, and afraid.
I have felt empty
I have wondered how everyone seemed like they had it all together, while I clung to a belief that someday things would be better.
I fought to overcome addiction and mental health breakdowns that wouldn’t go away with a new outfit, pair of shoes, or handbag.
I sat in rooms where others talked about their issues. While sometimes I scoffed I always felt better than when I first arrived knowing I was less alone. I wasn’t the only one suffering.
I have changed so many aspects of my life from diet to meditation and yoga. I have tried anything that has promised to lessen my anxiety, from supplements to exercising more. I have changed my diet and worked to manage my emotions. I have gone to extensive therapy and read all of the self-help books promising a new improved me. I have always been open to spiritual life. After all, there has to be more than “just this” existence, right?
I was at the market recently with my husband. It was a natural market about 40 minutes from where we live in the twin cities of Minnesota.
I admired a lady’s raw food book that was in her cart as it was a book I’d had and adorned for over a decade while I complimented her cart. I am super introverted and this is not something I would usually do but I get pretty excited about raw foods and veganism.
We talked about juicing for a quick second and then went our merry ways.
My hubs and I were walking out when she called us back. She was digging through her bag and wanted to give us something…